Man Vs Squirrels~ The Attic Attack

Not like Kesha (Kesh-ah) I did not wake up this morning and brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack this morning. I opted for just plain old Crest mint and a morning prayer. But all of the crickets surrounding me like I am they’re prey at my free Internet source may have. They’re jumping around into the walls and scooting sideways across the concrete. A friend of mine posted on her status update: “I hope Jesus never comes back as a roach or any other critter because anything like that near me is getting killed and I would hate to miss out on heaven!”  Which I agree with Doc.

Another’s was: “I'm putting my best foot forward today... which ironically is my left foot, even though I consider myself right footed. Also, the reason I'm putting it forward is because I don't like to walk backwards... Unless I am startled by a grizzly bear or a rattlesnake. Then I will walk backwards very slowly. I will probably lead with the left foot in that situation too.” And I couldn’t agree more CC.

 

It’s Sunday and I achieved all of my Saturday goals, except the… excuse me just a second… “Ummm hello Mr. Cricket! I am not your breakfast!” so I didn’t get as much housework done yesterday but still a very productive day. I spent a good hour up in my attic fixing the Squirrel damage to my ductwork. Seems one of them (yes there is a family freeloading up there) is pretty good with a screwdriver. He or she (there will be no squirrel gender bias in my postings) unscrewed the ductwork from the vent to our daughters’ room (the hottest room in the house) so all of the cold air (misconception since air conditioners do not make cold air, only cools down the hot air with an ideal 20 degree temperature drop) was blowing away in the attic. No wonder Dakota wakes up sweating profusely. Now momma AJ is a different story all together. She can sweat when our home is the meat hanging cold; like this morning at 4:30 when I woke up for the 500^th time and realized not only did I need to pee, I was freezing my butt off. I cut the A/C thermostat up to 75 while my teeth clattered and my bones shook. I swear to you all, it was less than a minute and she was up turning it back down to 69. And I’m like, “ hey it’s freezing in here!” and she’s like, “I’m HOT!!!” and I’m like… “Ummm…ok I’m going to McDonalds to warm up.” And I am! It is nice outside with a cool clammy breeze from the west. It’s all clean air we get out of the west and Rockies. When it comes from the East is when you have to worry a little about breathing. (Not so clean air). Anyway, back to Will vs. the Squirrels: I fix the duct to Dakota’s room since Scout hardly goes in there, usually just to clean up Dakota’s mess, so now I feel like it is the coolest room in the house. Get it “coolest room”? I find another duct with a hole in the bottom of it where the techs that installed it had used some old phone wire they found up there to secure it to a beam and either the squirrels or the cord caused the hole. Fixed that one too, but I still feel cold air up there when it should only be hot. I loosened the nut on my turbine since that other squirrel must have a crescent wrench and knows how to tighten the turbine nut so tight that it will not turn freely with the wind….”Dust in the wind, all we are is dust in the winnnnnd.” Sorry I just love that song and it pooped right in my head. So now when the wind does blow, it turns and suck hot air out of our attack, which is so insulated, you can touch the ceiling in any room and not feel heat. I isolate the cold air and it seems to be coming from the condensation drain where I was told right after the installation that I needed to pour bleach in, in order to clean it out and not have water backing up into the drip pan triggering the cut off switch which was moved by one of them squirrels in a way that lets the water just overflow into your attack and make a nasty stain on your bedroom ceiling. Wow-that was one long sentence. I must be rambling Rambo style. Again folks, these are not your ordinary drop of the mill pecan-eating squirrels. These critters got smarts. They are out to get me. I’m not sure but I don’t think that cold air should be blowing out of that drain hole. I dare not call ________ at _______ and ask, because he is only going to ask, “Still got that squirrel problem up there?” Since we have history with this company and squirrel violence toward our A/C system. I was told that he gave a direct order to the tech when he came out last week to not go into the attack, period! If you are an A/C tech and you have tried everything on the unit outside, wouldn’t you take a peek in the attic? Just asking.

So I decide that this is a technical question better left for my group of peers that know something about air conditioners. I get back down and hopefully from up there dirty, sweaty, and my right ass check hurts so bad from resting all of my weight on it for 30 minutes straight-fixing Dakota’s duct to vent connection. It hurts so bad this morning that I feel like a shark bit my ass cheek.

 

(Editors note: we just moved will inside McDonalds to the cushioned seating in order for him to complete this blog and stop complaining about his ass cheek pain).

 

Prior to fixing the attic stuff, I had filled the hole in our eve (squirrel door) with that crazy foam that expands. Today I will cover that said squirrel door with metal flashing. (The guy at Ace Hardware said the foam wont slow them down but the flashing will “STOP” them fo-sure. He didn’t really use the words “fo-sure” because he is old and doesn’t talk that way, but I thought it sounded cool.  So I am confident that I have blocked all Squirrel entry/exits to our attack.

 

Some of you may be asking, “ why not poison them”? Well… I have, and they only eat it until they see their brother or sister flopping like a mad squirrel dieing a miserable death with toxic “RAT” poison flowing through they’re little squirrel veins. So poison is only good for a couple of kills, then the rat-bastards get all picky on what they will eat.

 I am almost ready to purchase a very powerful pellet gun. I will set up at the peak moments and pick them off within a four-house range. So if any of you already have one of these squirrel-killing guns and would like some target practice, please drop me a note. We could make it a Squirrel shooting/BBQ. 

 

I tally the battle at Squirrel’s 44 Me 21. But I’m gaining on them little smart bastards. I see victory in the near future. 

 

On a side note, my baby Scout has decided she wants to start blogging. So we are going to set her up this morning. I am so proud! Look for it later, (her very first blog posting).

 

Peace out Peeps and for all you parents out there reading my madness, {Please remember that positive praise pays off} so tell your kiddos something positive today. Even if it is, “ Hey Timmy, you did a great job going to bed last night”!

PS. Does anyone have a lab that can do this?